*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
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Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
sensitive skin
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
At first you don’t succeed, destroy the paper trail saying you tried.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
Date: I usually go for the dumbest people possible
Me: *puts mask under my nose* you do?
Date: *biting lip* oh yea
*draws chalk outline around my VISA card*
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
I’ve been a YouTube creator for almost an hour, yet somehow I haven’t been monetized yet?
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”