[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
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Doctor [looking over my test results]: I don’t know how to say this…
Me: Don’t be embarrassed. Just sound it out using the letters and try your best
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
Boating season is upon us.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Who called it baking and not making love
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
My competitive neighbors are flexing on me by mowing their yard first and making mine look like shit.
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Priest: look son, I think you should kick the habit
Me: ok
*nun screams*
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
My computer: hey friend, I’ve only got 55 minutes left on my battery
My computer two minutes later: LMAO!! *dies*
I’m not sure what everyone at my coworking space does for work, but I’m pretty sure one guy’s job is chewing.
day 16 of being stuck in:
me: shall I have another glass of wine?
my wall: yes catherine splendid idea
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas