Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
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Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
Therapist: it’s not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know you’re a hufflepuff
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
If your wife tells you “We’d be terrible partners on The Amazing Race” it’s a term of affection, right?
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules