Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
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I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.