I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
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I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
Best way to find out if you have any cuts on your hands is to make some lemonade.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I love you…
…r dog.
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
Fun fact: Snakes don’t exist. They were made up by scientists in 1923 as a joke that went too far so they just kinda rolled with it
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
Astronaut: *takes a picture of the moon*
Moon: delete it
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.