Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
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My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?