if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
You Might Also Like
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.
Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
Greeting card
[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s
just left a huge legacy in there
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.
Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.
5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.
It’s perfectly acceptable to hate someone who brags about how much sleep they get
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.