*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
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You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Flock of bats
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
[nervously speeding up as I drive my date past a Taco Bell]
SIRI: At frequent destination. Set this address as ‘Home’ address?
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “