My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
You Might Also Like
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: the Bible is 100% accurate. Especially when thrown at close range.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Keep me in your thoughts. My wife is unloading the dryer and I can’t find a corn bread muffin I had earlier. Pretty sure I left it in one of those pockets.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
Bit chilly again tonight.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
8yo: You’re annoying me!
10yo: No, you’re annoying me!
Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.
Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.