COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
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The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
You make me want to be a better sentence completer.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
Love this one 😂🧟
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
Just cleaned my room 7 months ago and it’s dirty again.. this is bullshit
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
*sees Jaws in my yard* we’re gonna need a bigger milkshake
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
GOOD COP: Give us a name!
PERP: Never!
TED TALK COP: Imagine a world where every single human has-
PERP: Okay I’ll talk, please just stop!
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Follow-up questions!WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
OH HELL YEAH THAT’S THE STUFF