If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
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Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
“A beast, you say. Have you tried stabbing it? I see. And your knives, are they steely? Hm. I’ll send someone up right away, sir.”
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.