Overheard my kids talking about how weird their teacher is.
I’m their teacher.
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‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
Meowchelangelo
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
Why I divorced her.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
Called my mom on FaceTime and had a heart to heart conversation with her magnified thumb
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
The only way my mother-in-law would approve of our Christmas tree is if I were hanging from it.
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Boss: And what’s your ideal salary?
Me: Well how much does the position pay?
Boss: That depends on how much you THINK it pays
Me: What if I overestimate how much it pays?
Boss: Then we won’t hire you
Me: What if I underestimate?
Boss: Congrats! You’re our ideal candidate!
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.