Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
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In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Cannot stop laughing at this
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
Yeah ok whatever, bassist. Stand over there being all tall and quiet and keeping the rhythm together. Just look at the drummer and exchange your little knowing glances like you know you want to.
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.