what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
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Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
In a parallel universe, there’s a grandma hiding in a wolf’s den, dressed up as a wolf waiting for its cub to return so she can eat it
If anyone ever needs you to explain the difference between Americans and Brits, just send them this.
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
My wife gives the best headache.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Dear kangaroos, what’s stopping you from looking like this?
you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.