“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
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You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Back in the day there was no Emoji for laughter. We had to write it out, like some sort of scribe.
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police