The so called genius at the Apple Store mentioned he has a girlfriend; thus, his geek credibility is compromised & I don’t trust his advice.
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My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
writers really said: what if homework… was a career.
PARKOUR
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
Me: your honor, this man wakes up an HOUR early so he can MAKE and EAT breakfast before work
Him: I-
Judge: THIS IS NOT YOUR TIME TO TALK YOU MONSTER
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.