“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
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Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
You should always read labels. I was about to eat this rat poison but then saw it has gluten in it. I could have died,
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
11-year-old: *practicing her saxophone at home* How was that?
Me: Great!
11: Want to hear it again?
Me: I can only take so much greatness in one day.
New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
We get it. If your candidate doesn’t win in November, you’re moving to the whitest English speaking country you can drive to.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
People always ask me why there’s a chair in my shower. Who the hell eats chili standing up?
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.