I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
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It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
The quickest way to get your kid to do their homework is to ask them to help with some chores
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
Imagine having a party on purpose.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
Every heartwarming human interest story in america is like “he raised $20,000 to keep 200 orphans from being crushed in the orphan-crushing machine” and then never asks why an orphan-crushing machine exists or why you’d need to pay to prevent it from being used.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
My son’s soccer coach just said, “You can’t spell “triumph” without ‘try,'” and the look my son and I shared will bond us forever.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
A hawk swooped low to fly alongside my car, and for a moment I felt at one with the universe. We both were going somewhere, the hawk and I. Also, each of us was eating a mouse
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning