I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
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Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Me: You must admit that Apollo 11 landing on the moon 50 yrs ago is pretty impressive.
Cow: *takes drag from cigarette* Yeah, but if you jump over it in 1765 no one cares, apparently.
God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT
Seals are just dog mermaids.
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end