3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
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Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
*Gets 20 Year High School Reunion Invite in mail*
I’m not going to this shit, that’s what Facebook is for.
*reads ‘open bar’*
Aaaand I’m in.
Wife: did you know there’s an “I hate Jeff” group that meets in the park?
Me: yes I started it I am the president
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
People call me a “Trekkie” but I’m not, I’ve only seen Star Wars a couple of times
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
If you guys don’t keep a child-sized oar in the car to row past slow drivers I’m not even sure you’re livin’ right.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…