YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids
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Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
when you are just born a rebel
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
As I get older and continue to meet new people… I realize that swallowing should be more of a thing.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub