I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
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Every BBC series about the universe.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
[first date]
Adam: *puts phone face down on the table* hey
Eve: interesting, are you afraid I’ll see a text from another woman
Adam: *rubbing the bridge of his nose* how could that even be possible
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
Me trying to reach for my goals
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.