Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
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this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I used to wonder how anybody could possibly drop a cell phone in the toilet. Used to.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)