I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
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Me: I don’t want to leave anything to chance
Chance: why do you hate me dad
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I remember when things only cost an arm.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
‘gamer’ & ‘foodie’ are bullshit labels because they suggest you are something b/c you passively enjoy something everyone passively enjoys
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
😲 WTF? 😆
Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: in these trying times
me: AHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: you can count on toyota
me: AHHHHHHHHHHHH
youtube: welcome, to how to use a fire extinguisher
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.