wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
You Might Also Like
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.
Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.
Boss: But we’re not serving food.
Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
waiter: is pepsi ok
pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
A horror film, but it’s just a dad who accidentally locked himself out of the house, and now he’s peering through the window at his toddler alone with a sharpie.
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Ron is short for Aaronald
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
The little toadstool has spoken.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Judging by the way my kids raced to see who could chug their chocolate milk the fastest at the dinner table, I’d have to say they are never, ever going to be allowed at a keg party.
Normal Bar: Hey bud we can’t let you in here with that pocket knife
Renaissance Faire: Here’s 32oz of meade and a bow & arrow go crazy
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.