Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
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Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
UNITED EMPLOYEE: Beat this guy up so we can take the thing he paid for.
LITERALLY THE POLICE: Okay
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
*feels the music*
Music: “ew. no.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I should start a wine company and name the bottles things like “don’t be sad” “he’s not worth it” “you deserve better”!
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Gravity, at all times, is trying to pull your pants down
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Hello OnStar? Yes I have an emergency. My wife thinks Pikachu is better than Squirtle. I left her at a gas station. Can you go get her?
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.