as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
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My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
mentally somewhere in italy
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
JOB INTERVIEWER: Do you know short-hand?
ME: Do I know what, fat-face?
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife:
Me: (swish, swish, swish)
Wife: I hate your corduroys
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
[enter password]
“dog”
[password must be longer]
“dachshund”
Yoga Matt
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!