I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
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Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..
Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?
Me: Still no signs…
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have to wear tight jeans to Thanksgiving dinner.