Always check your candy. I opened a bag of M&Ms and found a bunch of Ws.
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i don’t know who needs to hear this but you can totally just buy an ink stamp that says CLASSIFIED and stamp it on whatever you want
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Well, that didn’t work.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Under a bridge, harassing goats. That’s how I troll.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
[walking through the sistine chapel] damn, content creators were insane back in the day
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.