No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
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Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
When I see snails in my path, I like to gently pick them up out of if harms way, and ‘whizz’ them magically a few metres, and plop them where they were headed. Keeps them safe, but I also like to think they later share their teleportation tales with other snails.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe.
It didn’t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
This sounds bad:
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
Me: *goes for midnight jog*
My boss: *pops out of trash can* RUNNING LATE AGAIN I SEE
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
God, I love Scotland
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.