quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
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Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
Nigella has gone too far this time.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: seems kinda bad
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.