Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
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Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
If you’re pure of heart you can put almost anything in the recycling
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
#WhenCopyEditorsWorkDrunk …
Me: i don’t believe in marriage
Also me: i will meet my husband through twitter
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Can you imagine how rich Adam and Eve would be right now if they would have held on to that Apple stock instead of eating it and incurring the wrath of God?
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
It’s actually illegal to be mean to me. Many of you are under arrest
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
one of my favorite Halloween memories was trick or treating and a very stoned dude in his 20’s opened the door and was like “oh man I forgot it was today. Let me see if I have anything for you” and then I hear him going through his pantry and he goes “do you like soup”
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids