Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
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when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Pro-tip for couples suddenly working from home together: Get yourselves an imaginary coworker to blame things on. In our apartment, Cheryl keeps leaving her dirty water cups all over the place and we really don’t know what to do about her.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
If microbiologists are so smart then how did they end up so tiny?
I accidentally wore a beetle inside. Neither party was happy about this.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
I almost accused a 10 yr old of stealing my dance moves but it turns out he just really had to go to the bathroom & didn’t know where it was
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
(Toy store)
ME: “Where do you keep the Schwarzenegger dolls?”
Clerk: “Aisle B, back”
This is my cat’s medicine.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
*my casket slowly begins lowering into the ground*
me, knocking from inside: “Wait, I have to pee.”
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
If the FBI want to get into an iPhone w/o users permission, they should ask someone who’s done it before, like U2