My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
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Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
It’s unfair to call me lactose intolerant when you consider what I’m willing to go through for lactose.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive