My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
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-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
date: I like to tell dad jokes
me: does he laugh?
date: what
The people on house hunting shows are always like “I am a bus driver, and my partner here collects dead bugs. Our limit is 6 million dollars”.
Get real…
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.