I’d hang this in my house.
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HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
Them: HOW COULD YOU BE SO STUPID?
Me: To be fair, I’m probably not the best person to ask.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.