She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
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My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
Me: Good night Moon
Moon:
Me, climbing out of lunar module two weeks later: Did you get my text?!
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Does beer think about me too?
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.