[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
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Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Obi-Wan: Ani
Anakin: Ani is a girl name! What can’t you call me something cool, like ‘Kin’?!
Obi-Wan: Use the Force Ki—
A: “ANI” IS FINE
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Needed 3 tickets to something and my husband bought 4 so he doesn’t have to set next to anyone.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
I put “extremely organized” on my résumé and I don’t even remember what folder I saved it in..
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Blew my mind.
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!