Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
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Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
1993: thrown from bike headfirst, rides 12 more miles and doesn’t head home till dark
2022: owww, I think I sprained my hand turning on my turn signal
[ GUY INVENTING THE LUGE ]
[*Drunk] Hmmm… I wonder what would happen if I slide down this ice mountain on this lawn chair?!
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.