This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
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If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.