You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
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[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
me as a parent
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
Is there also a milkshake that will keep all the boys away from my yard?
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
Me: Don’t make this weird
Brain: Sucks helium and laughs like Woody Woodpecker
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
“I’m married to a raving lunatic.”
– Actual quote from my husband, yesterday, confiding in our neighbor’s golden retreiver.Joke’s on him. That dog tells me everything.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps: