Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
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My cat is meowing loudly so I told her to use her indoor voice and she was like, “bitch, I’m an indoor cat. This IS my indoor voice.”
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.
Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
I’m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I didn’t realize that was an option
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Came home and my cat was on the porch cuddling with a baby skunk. When the skunk saw me he took off like I had caught him in bed with my girlfriend.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.