My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
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Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Topic: Excited about mustard!
MustardNewbie99: Hey guys! Just tried this french mustard and it really opened my eyes! Has anyone else tried it?
InTheCourtOfTheMustardKing
412,294 Posts
Registered 3/13/2002
[SUPER ADMIN – MANDATE OF HEAVEN]
No, we’ve never tried moutarde forte🙄
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
(meeting the queen without knowing who she is)
Well, aren’t you a fancy little lady! Is today your birthday?
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*