“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
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Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
I’d like to thank my exs for encouraging me to learn about cars.
Like how to cut the break lines, hoses, or discreetly slash a tire.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
If your new boyfriend carved your initials into a tree on your first date, let the fact he brought a knife be a sign of things to come.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
drew a comic about my origin story
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.