tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
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I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
[hospital]
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Me: You know what I don’t get?
Friend: Laid.
Me:
Friend:
Me: You know what else I don’t get?
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
the eight spiders I swallowed last year have woven together the microplastics inside me to create a tiny starship enterprise and are zooming towards my brain as we spe
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Not all heroes wear capes.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
[in the backyard enjoying the morning sounds of nature] ahh the forest creatures are mad the football team lost.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.