I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
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59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
The most valuable thing I have taught my kid is to answer the door for me and immediately tell the person that mommy is busy while I’m hiding around the corner.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
My 4yo is trying to sell my own M&M’s back to me. This guy’s going places.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
How to make her squirt: make sure she is a lime
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Smiles from ear to ear.
Wife: what are you smiling about?
Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard
Wife: God I love that dog.
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way