“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
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[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
My Dad used to do a great Darth Vader impression, by being a really bad father.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
“I’d like you to meet my half sister.”
“Different fathers?”
“Shark attack.”
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
inheritance is a dumb system people should have to give their estate to whoever defeats them in battle like the santa clause
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT