In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
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I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
Walmart never delivered my grocery order but they gave me a $10 credit so I will give each of my thanksgiving guests a dollar in lieu of a meal. All is well.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
courtroom exchange of the day
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
Me: [talking to millenials] When I was your age, dragons roamed the earth. Magic was real. There were only three Star Wars movies.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal