$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
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Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I’m dying!! A bear cub went and ate my aunt’s pies today of ALL DAYS!!! 🤣🤣
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
Do not tell a kid you didn’t understand his joke unless you have 4 hours free to hear the explanation.
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
“Hey”, with the intention of angrily removing the tomato from my cheeseburger and slapping you in the face with it.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
ME: *puts my hair in a bun*
WAITER: gross
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold
making baked potatoes in the oven is fun because they’re either ready in 30 minutes or 147hrs