My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
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When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us